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Reprinted from Open Exchange Magazine,
October/November/December 2001.
One of the major challenges any
couple must face in spending time together
is that of distance regulation, i.e., how
to regulate the amount of closeness and
distance between them, given the natural
fluctuations in desire that each partner
may have. When one partner consistently
wants more closeness than the other does,
it can result in difficult power dynamics.
The "pursuer" becomes labeled as the "needy"
one and the "distancer" assumes a more powerful
position in the relationship, often thought
of as "withdrawn" or "withholding" by the
partner.
But even in couples who tend to be very
well matched on the overall amounts of closeness
or contact they desire, there will still
be daily, hourly or even moment-to-moment
fluctuations in desire for contact, based
on any number of internally or externally
generated conditions. Feelings of abandonment
and being engulfed are very common couple
complaints that are engendered by differences
in amounts of contact desired. This can
result in painful feelings of rejection,
guilt, feeling smothered, or feeling uncared
for by the partner.
When couples first get together, they often
find themselves in a "honeymoon" phase and
experience feeling unconditionally loved
and nourished by their partner. In this
state of merger, they usually are very much
aware of their similarities but less aware
of their differences. Because these feelings
are so positive, they may fantasize or actually
move in together to maximize the bliss or
optimism they are experiencing.
In the natural course of a developing relationship,
the couple will usually pass from the honeymoon
or "symbiotic" stage into the a more "differentiated"
stage, where differences come to the fore.
If they have already moved into a shared
space, it can be very disconcerting to find
that their bliss has now shifted into something
much more irritating. It may seem as though
they can't agree on anything, from money
to sex to amount of contact desired. As
positive projections onto the partner are
shaken up and withdrawn, partners may rudely
awaken to a person who seems to be the opposite
of what they had hoped and longed for. However,
having now set up their entire lives around
living with this person, they may try to
suppress these feelings of disappointment
and/or irritation due to feeling shame for
having made a "mistake." Or conversely,
they may be in such a state of shock about
the loss of "bliss" that they believe they
have made a mistake about being with this
person at all, and hasten to get away as
quickly as they moved in. Clearly this can
be a difficult and damaging time for both
partners.
In this fast-paced world of the 21st century,
there is pressure on couples to move in
together, get married, and have a family
sooner rather than later. Not to go along
with this program can be eyed suspiciously
as a "fear of intimacy." It is the view
of this author that "one size fits all"
does not apply to all individuals or couples.
While one couple may decide to live together
very quickly and succeed in having an ongoing
relationship, another couple may do the
same thing and find themselves unhappy and
disillusioned. What is of greatest import
here is to encourage partners to tune in
to their own natural pace of couple development
rather than to conform to societal and familial
pressures. It is important that couples
look within and discuss openly what context
would allow their commitment and intimacy
to thrive. Partners might increase the probability
of having a successful relationship if they
moved more slowly, taking the time to learn
about their differences as well as their
similarities before making costly decisions
about living together. Some couples may
choose to maintain separate domiciles for
the duration of the relationship, while
still deepening their intimacy and shared
growth in other ways.
There is no one way to have a relationship.
The "pursuer" who wants to spend more time
together is not necessarily more or less
healthy than the "distancer" who wants more
time and space alone. Each position may
be valid and should be understood and appreciated
by the other. Living situations, whether
separate or together, have pros and cons.
It is the hope of this author to increase
the reader's awareness of different ways
of having relationships so that they can
create a form of relationship that works
best for them.
Integral
Counseling Psychology Program
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